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The Moon

I looked up at the moon tonight and it took me by complete surprise.  My day was horrible, yet I look up at the moon only to find it looks exactly like the Cheshire Cat’s grin from Alice in Wonderland.  It put a smile on my face.

Alone

I was rejected from Syracuse today.  What started out as a seemingly wonderful day got the wind knocked out of it and I felt so alone.  I felt as if there was nobody I could tell or talk to about it because I just feel like such a failure.  I have feared everybody moving on with their lives except for me and while everyone assures me that is not true, I feel like it is true even more now.  I have nobody to talk to, nobody to go to for advice or guidance, and now I’m just trapped in front of the computer trying not to cry.  Why the fuck did I go to NYU?  It has done absolutely nothing for me.  No doors have opened because of it and every day I face the repeated compulsion of putting my diploma through the shredder because it seems completely worthless.  On a side note it is also really f’in ugly.  It’s big so it would appear to be impressive, but its just so ugly and plain.  It doesn’t even say what I graduated in.  NYU has fucked me over more than helped me out and as I descend into this apparently bottomless pitt I wonder if I’ll ever be able to crawl out of this one.  It’s times like these I wish I had certain people at my side, but unfortunately they have gone to a place that I can’t follow…thats the saddest part of all.

B

Bridal Showers

I hate bridal showers.  Actually, I hate any kind of people gathering events with the word shower in the title.  What does shower even mean?  I just don’t get it.  Anytime I am invited to one of these things I always think of my cousin’s bridal shower…and the “lovely” party favors she gave out:  A loofa and some bath gel with a tag entitled “From Meg’s Shower To Yours.”  Everytime I think of that party favor a part of me dies.  I don’t know why I loathe it so much.  Some people may even find it clever and witty…if you are one of these people please don’t admit that to me.  Yesterday I received an invitation in the mail.  It was mailed to Ms. Brianna Morrison and as I opened it I realized it was a bridal shower for Marissa.  Unfortunately, with all the drama that comes with Marissa I was the only one from the family invited.  The shower is tomorrow and regrets were supposed to be made by February 5th.  What the hell?  Where the hell has this invitation been?  I guess it was kind of bittersweet b/c now I can (truthfully) say that I had only received the invitation yesterday and it was not adequate timing.  I wasn’t going to go even if I did receive the invitation on time, but this just makes a perfect (and truthful) excuse.

B

P.S. the invitation was really ugly…now i’m just being petty.

London Calling…Again!

I have been thinking about London a lot lately.  It could be because at this time two years ago I was embarking on one of the best times of my life when I studied abroad in London.  I also met a girl yesterday who attends NYU and is leaving for London on Tuesday so I was slightly jealous.  London is like an ex lover who you will always secretly care about and no matter how hard you try you only remember the good times.  London was such a great experience, but it had its downs as well…however, I have such a hard time remembering them.  The truth is that just as I was getting comfortable with my life in London I had to come home.  It was like being yanked away from something you love.  Of course I could always return to London, but I think I would just be nostalgic for what I used to have.  I have learned that many a times its not where you are, but who you are there with.  I loved London, but I think what I loved most about it were the friendships I made, and the adventures I went on with my friends.  If we don’t see each other for a long while at least we will always have London and nobody can take that away from us.  I am proud to say that the friends I made in London became some of my best friends and I adore them so much…I am proud of their accomplishments and I am proud to call them friend.  Because of this I fear going back to London.  I fear that I am chasing something that isn’t there anymore.  I could make new friends and go on new adventures, but sometimes things are better left just is.  I don’t want new memories in London because the old ones are so dear to my heart.  It was such a happy time in my life and I don’t want anything to overshadow that.  I learned a lot about my character and who I am and these things are so important to me.  It even breaks my heart to see movies that take place in London or have shots of places I’ve been.  Sometimes I wish I could repeat that semester abroad…but my eyes are faced forward on my head for a reason.  It is natural to look forward, to look back requires energy.  It is unnatural.

Why Blog?

I guess the real question is why do we do anything?  The truth is I can type much faster than i can write so i hope that by blogging i will better be able to keep track of my ideas, however i don’t blog as much i should :(  I’m trying to get better with it, but I am so easily distracted.  And the battery on my laptop goes dead and now i’m just throwing out bullshit excuses.

It’s Been Awhile

I have no idea if anyone actually reads my blog, but I find it very therapeutic to just write what I feel as I go along.  I want to let everyone know that I think the age of 22 sucks monkey balls.  It is like sitting in purgatory…but the bad purgatory.  Maybe I should just relax and enjoy this time that I have, but I can’t.  I feel like I have accomplished nothing.  Who gives a shit that I graduated from an awesome college.  It has helped me with absolutely nothing b/c the truth is after you graduate nobody gives a shit where you were…its where you are going.  I don’t know where I’m going.  I don’t know if I’m making any mistakes, but I guess life is about making mistakes and learning from them.  I think I should stop thinking and do what feels right….its cliche to say follow your heart, but if you don’t follow your heart what can you follow?  I’m still convinced if I had a lot of money my life would be easier and I could just roam around doing whatever I want, but I don’t have that luxury so here I am…going nowhere…fast.

Now What?

B

Clean Room

must clean room

must clean now

i really don’t want to

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